where the heart is not

cj69collins — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 01:29:55 +0000

I have never really liked living in the ‘greater Lehigh Valley, PA’. It was always a small region, living in the shadows of two large cities, and never really having anything that interested me. Traveling made me imagine that I could live in this or that city, largely becuase it was more interesting than where I live. Basically, I escaped by traveling, living a ‘life’ while away.

This weekend, though, I came to the conclusion, thinking back at all the places I visited, all the neighborhoods I was in, all the culture, the shopping, the nightlife, et al, that, maybe, just maybe, I would be just as bored living in those other cities as I am here. Why? I always suspected that I get bored easily, and have a difficult time trying to entertain myself. I am a person who needs stimulus. I get bored at work if I intellect or curiosity is not engaged. I am bored at the nightclub if by I have no one with whom to chat and no one who ‘interests’ me. I have been bored on vacation when I ran out of things I knew I wanted to do. TV and movies that invoke emotion over intellect disinterest me. Reading is much too passive for me. I cannot drive to the mall anymore to ‘shop’ and be entertained. Even the Interwebs, the WWWs, which you do not have to use, sometimes lacks the engagement stimulus I need, yet offers a boatload of unneccesary distraction. The gym, thankfully, has been physically engaging, as well as visually entertaining.

I always knew it was simple, but not easy, to entertain me. I always hoped against hope that I could overcome that, somehow. I am now resigned, in my advancing years, to ‘bear this cross’ myself. Without a strong social network in real life, and with only a fleeting one on the Interwebs, I have little choice. I must entertain myself as best as I can.

detachment

cj69collins — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:39:20 +0000

I hellotxt‘d earlier today, ‘needs to detach and drift free for a while.’ Shortly after, I thought about that statement. Every time I leave the house for ‘shopping’ or ‘out and about’ or a ‘long weekend’ or ‘vacation’. I always considered it an escape, a getting away from the daily reality of life. Inevitably, that escape either does not work, or does not last beyond my arrival home, to my own bed. I believe now that is because I never detach from the everyday. Work obligations creep into my mind. They still hit my phone. I still connect to facebook, perhaps more. I still have the same anxieties I have in daily life. It is because, despite me desire to escape the everyday, I do not detach from the everyday. I cannot let go of the projects at work that are not competed, the ‘friends’ I have on the various services and stuff, the constant connectivity with the rest of the world, however superficial. In a way, I’d rather live my life vicariously through others rather than try living it myself, largely because it is almost easier to do so. Often, I believe this hyperconnected world we live in is causing most of us to be out of touch with reality, seeking instant gratification, thinking it is thoughtful analysis, the thoughtful analysis we are unwilling to do for ourselves. The noise level is so strong that ‘the truth’ is dictated by the loudest and most popular, rather than who is true. In the end, we all need to be entertained. That is what it comes down to for me. ‘Entertain me, or I will be disinterested in you.’ Pass the burden off.

I do need to detach from this ‘reality’ that I am ‘living’ in. I just need to figure out how.

Chris Collins :: a personal journal » escape

where the heart is not

detachment