Sometimes, I believe I react to emotionally to challenge. I want to do things right, but do not fancy myself to ‘get it right.’ I fear ‘pushing my limits’ will ‘push me over the edge.’ When I do leg squats at the gym, I am afraid to lower my tail to the point I cannot get back up. At work, I am always afraid that the project will be received poorly, or that I will forget a detail that is critical. In social settings, I am always afraid that people will find out ‘who I really am.’  It is all about feeling I am not ‘good enough’ for something. 

As I get older, less and less do I care what others think. This has offered its degree of success in situations. Also, the occasional affirmation helps. Still, I wear my pride as it it were a pair of denims that just may slip from the hip, exposing me for me. It is like, if the denims drop and ‘me’ saw daylight, I would be exposed as insufficient, and get burned in the process. 

Speaking of which, I should think about planning for Fort Lauderdale in December again. Some things could use some exposure to daylight. Maybe I need some of the same exposure in September. I also need to get to the gym one or two more days a week more consistently.

I have one project on my plate. The problem I am now having with this project probably can be summed this way – I am poor at interpersonal relationships. I assume too much from others. I expect them to know what I know. When asked questions, I tend not to be either clear or forward with the answers. I tend to like asking questions more than being asked them. I am impatient. I tend not to exert myself properly, since I rarely know what limits I have. I try escaping from confrontation. I speak as much, if not more, from emotion than intelligence. I would much rather do for myself than depend on others to do. I tend not to be a proper listener. I may expect answers from my own narrative, taken from my own experience. I also tend to impose on others, yet get angry when being imposed upon. I tend to project too much pressure on myself.

Add to that my wont for shying away from those who are too aggressive, forward or emotionally forth-coming, my lack of desire ‘to interrupt’ or ‘enter a conversation without invitation,’ my tendency to be aloof, and my inability to hold a conversation without provocation, and my disdain for even the appearance I ‘need’ to maintain a conversation, it is amazing anyone wants to even be associated with me. 

To my credit, I have become to overcome some of those thing in my more regular interactions. It takes some time for me to warm up to someone, but, I do. Still, I am where I am because of my relationships with others, and that is largely because of my inability to manage a relationship, even on the simplest, most platonic, or most business-like level.