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Feels he missed something, is being left behind, leaving himself behind.

The last time I had that sort of feeling of impending doom was the time I had every reason to feel it. Today, though, it did not feel the same. Today, it was not about something I did do this weekend that went all wrong, but about an opportunity that slipped from my grasp. I may be at a crossroads between the directions current employ appears to be taking. They may be at odds with each other, which is much to my detriment.

I wrote an extensive, detailed post on this. Something told me it was too explicit. I decided this should be all I say. Needless to say, my future looks far less certain, but not for what anyone explicitly said.

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Since the fire, I have had little desire to ‘go pubbing or clubbing’ while at home. I have no problem doing it when I am away from home. Part of the reason I chose places to vacation is because of the evening hangouts. At home, I never seem to want to make the effort. At home, it would normally involve getting into the car and going. Away, I plan on never getting behind the wheel. Also, when away, I always feel the desire to meet new people, since it is rare that I would see these people before. At home, I feel I would meet the same people over and over. That is just boring. If I fail in my social graces while away, I will not be around week after week to remind people. Time makes memories fade, at least, for most people other than I. At home, on the other hand, I cannot escape them if I am there in people’s minds. The gays never forget if you don’t let them forget about you.

Maybe, those assumptions are wrong. Still, the longer I am away from the ‘normal’ scene, the less desire I have to be part of that scene. With nothing more than twitter and facebook acquaintances to keep me company, you think I was back in the closet. I think that, at times. With the number of paid days-off I got this year, and with how I am using those days, I am getting enough interaction to make me less desirous to go out at home. For most of the week, I am fine with it. But, that is why I sit at the computer most Saturday evening, doing the social not-working thing. Despite being bored, that is about all I can muster.

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this past ten years have been some of the best in my life, better, I dare say, than the previous two decades. Yet, as the decade draws to a close, I find myself almost in the same position socially, psychologically, spiritually, that I was when y2k was all the scare. I am in a world that I do not know will exist the way it does now, and I am not sure I am in a position to adapt to the radical change necessary of all Hell break lose. Granted, it was 2001 September 11 , not 2000 January 1, that caused the radical change. Yet, in the end, little has changed with the world, from a first-person perspective, from those events.

I have been to San Francisco, Amsterdam, Fort Lauderdale and Chicago twice, New Orleans three times, Dallas, Atlanta, Manchester, Dublin, London, Prague and Budapest once each. I was even to Las Vegas once. I have had a [mostly] stable job in the career of my choice for the entire decade. I have made acquaintance with many people in that time. I have been going to the gym for about a year and a half. On some levels, I am much better off personally than I was a decade ago.

Yet, I am at the point now where the same doubt I have sought to banish are starting the win their battles. The shyness, having joined forces with aloofness and jadedness, offered resistance while in Manchester at a time when I was having a decent conversation. I am still not finding the handle on conversation, having to be guided into a subject by others. I never likes selling myself, but cannot even describe myself in any positive terms without feeling I am lying, both to others, and to myself. My flake is starting to re-emerge, as my attention span seems to show its stress points from being over-exerted. I cannot see how I can be more than a passing acquantance to anyone. Now, I am fighting boredom, losing interest in those things which kept me entertained. I no longer listen to the music I purchased. I lost interest in podcasts. I struggle to read blog articles longer than half a paragraph.

What does not help is the only interaction I have with the outside world is limited to work, social not-working, the PT at the gym, and the occasional vacation. Gone are the weekends interacting with real human beings. Even though it was a loose clique, it was still something more than I have now. The online thing just is not doing it for me. As such, I have scaled back my social not-working contacts considerably. I am bored and rammy, I feel shackled to a routine and a schedule, and, for the first time that I remember, feel truly lonely. I can say I ‘have no regrets’, but feel a lack of a solid social circle is finally taking its toll. I know whose fault it is. That is what is becoming critically painful. It is ‘opportunity, not recognized, not taken or wasted.’ My commitment to change in myself, though, has always been lacking.

If this is about the midway point in my life, something must give. I fear I may not be the one making that change, and it will be to my detriment.

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