I have always been proud of what I did at my [soon to be former] employer. I felt what I did helped the company grow to the point it had a year ago, when takeover talks allegedly began. It was not until I started writing my résumé that I realized that, for the most part, I have not properly accounted for my accomplishment to myself. I knew what my accomplishments were at the time, and had a fair concept of what their value was. Those concepts were abstract, and relative to those for whom I accomplished what I did. This leads into three problems.

Firstly is the ‘whom’ part. For the most part, the takeover resulted in the departure of most of those for whom I accomplished. I have no one truly to stand within the company and confirm what I did, much less that it added value, or continues to add value, to the company. The reality is that much of that was cast aside with the rest of the company. I understand. That is the nature of business. It leaves me in a heap of quandary, though. Everyone that mattered is now ‘on the outside’. Even there, it has not been all settled. I have reached-out to all the main players on LinkedIn for a recommendation, and got only two. As valuable that those two are, and as appreciative as I am for getting them, I was, and still am, quite disappointed in the ones I did not get. One, in particular, hurts. Secondly is the ‘what’ part. I have done plenty over my time. Little of the early stuff was documented. Most of the stuff may be considered ‘trade secret’. I have worked at one company in the past two decades; I have no idea what may be of value to another employer, how to state it in such a way that can be visible to a potential employer, or even if any of my accomplishments are transferrable. Thirdly is the value part. How do I put a value on something when the only metric I have it the old employer? How can I state value without running afoul of ‘trade secret’? How do I put a value on soft skills, some of which I have had a time managing, much less mastering?

What is worse about this experience is how much I now realize what I have not accomplished. Never mind the lack of a university degree. I have no business of professional memberships. And, no, I do not count PEG, the Progress E-mail Group, as one. Nor LinkedIn. Nor Toolbox for IT. They may qualify, but not to me. I mean something that says, ‘I belong. I deserve to belong.’ I have no certification either in Sx.E or Progress RDBMS or 4GL. No certification that I understand wholesale distribution or technology’s vital role therein. Maybe I depended too much on my employer to recommend, much less finance, such things. My employer was a small company, that often ran tight IT budgets. Now, I look back and wonder if it will return to bite me.

I have some accomplishments on the worksheet. I wonder how many more of them I can present, or how many more I need to get hired. I question now, not ‘what did I accomplish?,’ but, ‘did I accomplish anything I can claim now?’ I do not like that question.

The first of these is that employment, by definition, means some commitment to do duty. This has the effect of restricting what I can, and cannot, do during the day. This has the knock-on effect of demotivating me from doing what I need to do to mind my own needs. The already difficult task of finding a job, especially the job search and ‘professional networking’, is made even more difficult with the prospect I will be needed at my current job, a job that still pays me, a job that still ‘needs me’, at least, for now.

The second of these is that, despite having some responsibility, and having some tasks I need to do, I have no incentive to do them. No matter how well I do them, the result will be the same. My tenure will end. Under no explicit negativity, that is about the most demotivational feeling one can have. My dedication, while not tireless, was still significant enough for me to make it through some rough periods previously, has decided to that a sabbatical. What is worse is that I feel bad about it, and that demotivates me even more, as I feel I am worthless. All at a time when I should be assessing my own worth so I may promote it to new employers.

While I am seeing the end of what was once a proud company, as its assets are being absorbed into another, most of the anxiety, the demotivation, the helplessness, I bear upon myself. There is not room for sentiment in business. Business will do what they feel is right for them to succeed on their terms. In the end, I revert back to type, a shy, modest who may be a ‘guru’ or ‘ninja’ in the eyes of others, but sees what I do only to further of my employer. I know what I did. I am proud of what I did. I never needed to crow about what I did. I most certainly never wanted to. I want to work. I want to work meaningfully. I feel I cannot do that in the current environment. I also know neglecting my work is self-defeating, both for the career and the spirit. That is why it is painful for me to wear two nooses on my neck. I wonder, though, if the nooses were placed by my job, or by me.

Last week, I managed to either get my resume plugged-in to Toolbox for IT, LinkedIn, Dice, CareerBuilder and Monster. I poked around all five sites for jobs that closely emulated what I was doing before the acquisition. I found nothing. Granted, I am looking for something quite specific. I worked as a programmer/analyst and occasional  administrator to ERP system for a wholesale distributor in the consumer good department, I specialize in Progress RDBMS, 4GL and Webspeed, also utilizing HTML and CSS skills. The ERP system is Infor ERP Sx.E. I cannot say I start-off with much opportunity, despite 20 years in a growing wholesale distro, nearly all of it using this product and working with both Infor Global and an integrator. Yet, expanding the search is seems difficult, since it expands into areas for which I may be unfamiliar. I am not as concerned about newer versions of the Progress DB, or GUI interface code as much as MSSQL and Oracle, XMLDB, non-distro businesses or other ERP packages. I can learn anything I want. Will I be given the time? Will I be given the latitude to ask questions and question processes?

I offered my resume to one hiring consultant who did offer me the inquiry time, but did not inquire beyond the initial meeting. I offered the resume to a family friend, herself in IT. I need to contact her on form. I am not even sure if the resume is even in good form. I hope to get at least some help with that. I think I should pass it to two fellow Progress programmers I know for review. I am not good at selling myself. I can take any task and, with the right data and knowledge, provide what you want, as long as it does not involve me, the person.

In the meantime, during normal work hours, I sit at the computer, occupying my time with facebook and tumblr, the peek at the five sites. Actual work is precious little until the final phase of data merge advances. If I am not there, either I am fetching lunch or going to the gym. Going to the gym in the afternoon is nice. Little if anyone is around, and I do my workout with little impedance and at my own pace. Still, it would be nice to have steady work, a steady intellectual workout. I enjoyed my job. I enjoy helping the company grow. I hope to do so in the near future. I the meantime, I am in the market.

The first is that their solution is based on ‘technology’, [they are a Microsoft shop,] far different than ours. [We will be a Progress shop, running Sx.E up to the data merge.] I have been working, learning and growing with this for 18.5 of my 20 years. While I have dabbled in MSAccess and MSSQLServer in the past, it has been largely all Progress for the past five years. Add to that their solution was largely self-developed, while ours required outside consultants to make changes. [since the company's former ownership did not wish to invest in self-development.] While I can do wonders with the data in reporting and manipulation, I have no experience in actually hands-on enhancements to the actual system. Among my co-workers is an experienced web developer, and experienced SQL developer and admin, and an experienced network admin. My boss said their IT shop runs ‘lean’, and, likely, I would be redundant.

The second problem is my interaction with those on the other side. Except for the purchasing manager, who has been quite willing to talk, I have had precious little interaction with the opposite side of the organization. I do not know if they know I exist. I have not heard from my bosses new boss, who should have final say on my continued tenure. I have little direct interaction with was processes are already being merged. Few, if any, processes in place actually been considered. Not having a future is one thing. I get the all-too-distinct feeling my past is not even being acknowledged. I question, ‘why am I still here?’

I have been tempted to just turn-in my resignation. I cannot get over the feeling that, firstly, that would be a cop-out for a situation I hardly know is true, secondly, I am ill-prepared to re-enter the job market after 20 years, remembering I did not do so well the last time I was looking, and thirdly, not being so sure our President, Speaker and cronies has not yet fully ruined the US economy to the point I can find a job at close enough to the same earning and benefit level I have now, considering the experience I have will offer few prospects in the job market at the best of times. I am so scared of my prospects at this point, it makes me ill. I ask myself, ’20 years, for what?’ I seriously wonder what my next move will be. It would be nice, though, to have the final word come from my new overlords that my time will soon be done. At least, then, I can be more resolute. Maybe. >_<

just to let you know. ^_^

The iPhone 3G I purchased earlier this was has to be the most influential personal interaction device in my life. I am immensely surprised how attached to that thing I got. That is good, since it replaced my dependance on a network attached computer for my interaction, freeing me to leave it behind. I am no longer as attached to the desk as I was. Yet, I am more attached to the Interwebs and social not-working world now than ever. It is too easy for me to stay connected, and makes it too difficult to get disconnected.

I am becoming disenchanted with the social not-working world. I find the connections made there to be wanting, wanting of the level of interaction that can only come from ‘in real life’ contact. I am not saying the connections are meaningless. What I am saying is that they feel not as satisfying as the live interactions I have had this year. I want to meet more of my online acquaintances in real life. It does not happen.

I have had five vacations this year. Five chances to interact with real people. Five opportunities to experience life outside the confines of the normal family/work/home homogeny. For the most part, all five bore fruit, if on a limited basis. I engaged with people in real life. I am planning on at least four more trips this year. I like the ‘long weekend’ concept, as it allows me to be someplace just long enough to enjoy, but not long enough to get bored. Short of combining multiple stops, this will be my plan for the future.

I have become comfortable with myself to go to places with more permissive dress codes, [read :: clothing options,] and been able to take those options without discomfort. I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body. Or, at least, I am starting to care less about what others think about it. So far, the reactions have not been outwardly negative. As long as they are not, I can partake in the permissive dress code. Having said that, it does make returning to normal dress code rather uncomfortable.

I am also starting to come into my own, sexually. I am starting to find it more comfortable to express my sexual desires, in the appropriate environments. I am getting more positive reactions to that, as well. That makes me feel much better about myself. It also makes me desire being in those environments more.

In late January, I will have been going to the gym, working with a personal trainer, for two years. I like going to the gym. I feel it is making an improvement to my body. The only problem I have is that I desire to go to the gym only during PT training days. This needs to change, as the PT to whom I have been working for about 1.5 years has cut back his hours. I appear to be one of a few regular evening clients. Still, I need to go to the gym more and sit in front of the MacBook less. I also need to start doing workouts on my own, so I can ask what I need to do to improve.

I am resigned to the fact I have my prejudices when it comes to the men I wish to be around. ‘Height and Weight Proportional’, to me, means no less than ‘normal weight’. Too thin is too ugly, even with some muscle. East Asians and Pacific Islanders tend to weird me out. Sorry, I cannot get over that. I am not really attracted to them, and find their aggressiveness a bit of a put-off. Anyone who is forward with me will push me back into my shell. A little too well prepared means a little too self-centered for my tastes. I prefer the leather bars to the chic lounges, since the leather bars tend to be friendlier. Do not get me started on the activist gays, or those that think they are ‘so special’. Puh-leeze! It is not that I do not want to make acquaintance with these people. It is that I just am not that into these people.

I am also resigned to the fact I am not a particularly good friend to start. I find myself to be flighty, flaky and aloof. I probably have missed a boatload of signals from other guys about their intentions. I hate carrying conversations, preferring to listen than talk. I tend to social encounters too loosely. I find it difficult to improve when I have no regular group of acquaintances, which I have not since the Cartwheel closed. That is what makes the acquaintances I do have even the more special.

I feel, at this point in my life, I am not for want. I want fewer possessions. I hate gifts, both giving and receiving. I’d rather buy for myself than suggest someone buy for me. I am happy with what I have. This has implications, and not all of them are positive.

On April 10, I will have worked for the company that is what it is now for 20 years. I never thought I would be here this long. I am wondering if I should have been here this long. I wonder if my time has passed/past.

I am seriously wondering if my time with this blog is done. writing long-form posts is difficult when I have little to add that has not been stated before. I am on enough other forums for my thoughts to get out. Would a Tumblr or Posterous ‘blog’ be enough for me? Hosting this WordPress blog and having the domains to tie to it cost money. If I am updating this thing only once every several months. Is it worth it? Really?

The worst part of traveling is the actual traveling bit. To that end, nothing was that bad, really. Continental took me between EWR and LHR easily enough. Transport for London took me between LHR4 and near the hotel as easily as expected. [Save the interchange, and carrying the bags up and down stairs.]

The hotel where I stayed was featured a travel blog I read. Indeed, the place was quite nice. The room was about the right size for me and was neatly appointed. The staff seemed nice enough, and was mostly accommodating to me during my stay . Things did not start off so well. Check-in was 14h00, I got there about 11h00. No problem, check the bags, explore the city, and return in three hours. Room was still not ready until 14h45. On a Thursday? I was not the only guest waiting past check-in time. The hotel did not seem *that* large. My only other concern was the bath. It would have been swanky had I not noticed two things :: no shower curtain and grout missing from around the tiles. I hope they are ready to repair the ceiling in the restaurant in the lower ground floor, below me. At least, the shower produced hot water quickly and the bath had a towel warmer. It is not to say I would *not* recommend the place. I would. I would ask you to mind your expectations.

I had a plan for the evenings, based on what I read in the mainstream travel guide ‘TimeOut’, based in London, to visit the Vauxhall neighborhood more often than I did. While not largely a bust, it was a change not always worth taking. Royal Vauxhall Tavern was OK on Thursday, when there was no cover, but dismal Friday, when there was. The Eagle was quiet on Thursday, save someone calling me ‘daddy’, but comfortably busy and plenty fun Friday. The Hoist was quiet Sunday. This probably made it seem more ‘stand-off-ish’ than I felt justified the crowd. Though, seeing as much as I did of as few as I did certainly made the scene nicer. RVT was the only place in which I chatted with no one at all.

Soho was where I predominantly hung-out evenings. Primarily, it was in two places, Compton’s and Duke of Wellington, both within half a block of each other. Compton’s was my primary haunt last time. The facility changed in the past 6.5 years, but the crowd did not. It was still a mixed crowd. The Welly had a similar crowd, though in a much smaller space. It was more intmate. I enjoyed being in both places.

The feature event of the weekend had to be XXL on Saturday. The place as a bit to find, being it was not exactly near a tube station. Once found, it was incredible. I describe it as a typical club night with a disproportionate number of very non-twinky people. My kind of crowd.  There was all sorts of dancing and all sorts of spaces. I made sure I was in as many as I could. I was a happy-happy fatty. ^_^ A definite go-to on the return visit to London.

The Welly I visited for only one reason :: ‘free’ Wifi. It was the only place I got Wifi. as they charged for it at the hotel. This meant the Welly was the only place I could check email, Facebook, Grindr, et c. on a regular basis. There were only a few times I engaged data roaming while in London, often to try finding my way through Vauxhall, though tossing the occasional tweet was in order. I tried limiting my Wifi usage at the Welly proportional to the amount I was drinking, to be fair to them.

Did I do anything in the afternoons? Not really. I pretty much walked aimlessly through the city centre, trying to find every nook and cranny I could. This trip was not about the museums and galleries. I probably was down every street in Soho, and found shops where I did not think there would be. I made only three trips out of the centre. I tried finding the Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal FC, for which I failed, since I went one stop too far, thinking I could not get the stadium from the original stop. I could, as the map outside that station described. I still got a jersey at the fan shop next to the station. I tried finding the construction site for the next summer Olympics, London 2012. While there is alot of advertising for it at the station, there is not much to see other than the shell of the new Olympic stadium, since it is in a former industrial estate. From what I see, it is going to be huge. The east end neighborhood seems like a nice, working-class neighborhood, at least. The last of them was a visit to Harrod’s. I visited the Oxford Street department stores last time. I knew of Harrod’s reputation. It did not disappoint. It is certainly the all-encompassing menagerie advertised, and a bit over-the-top. It was what I expected.

The only drama of the trip came ‘courtesy’ of a foreigner, claiming to be Brazilian, in London working long hours, who became entirely too aggressive. I tried being nice. I tried making a run for it. He approached me trying to relieve myself. I told him, ‘ NO!, you are too aggressive!’ He sulked away. Thankfully, I did not see him again. I checked to see if he did not ‘mark his territory’, and he had not. The rest were minor dramas. Even the hotel stuff was minor.

Overall, this trip went as well as I expected. It would have been nice to meet some one my Facebook friends, or connect more socially with someone I chatted with while there, or find more different places to hang out, or had a plan to do something more mentally-engaging afternoons. Or, heaven forbid, received instead of given. On thing is for certain, the trip was just long enough, and was just what I needed. It also gave to me a much better perspective on London. It may warrant a return trip. I just wish I had enough money do make a return trip more often to more places I already visited.

• it has become my primary source for personal email. mail.app rarely gets opened.
• it has become a companion to M$Outlook for work email.
• it has become my ‘gaming’ device. As little as I am into proper ‘gaming’, I play games on it and not my iMac.
• it has attempted to indicate where I am, thanks to loopd, brightkite, gLatitude and plazes.
• it has acquired 36 additional apps on it now, along with about a dozen which I since deleted. Most free.
• it has provoked me to try to listen to podcasts. it has not succeeded in actually doing so. also, …
• it has not provoked me to listen to my music more. as such, I am not purchasing any.
• it has, at times, flaked on me. swipe-scrolling working inconsistenly or not at all. apps crawling or crashing. feeling the need to cycle power.
• it has been more reliable, and more capable, than the BlackJackII I used before this. nothing has caused the iPhone to be completely non-functional without a cycle of power.
• it has not lasted a full day without a recharge needed. that is because …
• it has tempted me to keep my hands on it. I have fiddled and played with this more than any handheld electronic device prior. there is only one other handheld device which I handled more. Never has it failed in my own hand.
• it has kept me connected far more than I would have ever expected. it is scary how attached to the interwebs I am because of it.
• it has allowed me to get away from my iMac and still be connected. I need not be at the iMac to be connected. it has become something close to a ‘netbook’, in that respect.
• it has made me question whether or not I really need to take my macBook on vacation. yes, there are certain things that cannot be done on an iPhone easily, if at all. do I really need to do them while on vacation?
• it has made me question whether I need to replace my iMac or macBook. The iMac is the first generation Intel one, 3.5 years old. the macBook is 1.25 years younger.

since getting the iPhone, I have loved it more and more. there is very little not to like about it. I have had fewer problems with it than my other phones, and no real problems with AT&T that I would not experience with other carriers, especially relative to a wickedly popular product with a number of competitors but no real equal or superior. am I disappointed I did not wait for the 3G S? kinda, but not really. the 3G is good enough for me.

• the diet has gone completely off the rails. I am eating more sweets per week now than I was before the Manchester trip. Found buying candy at the dollar store cheaper than the 7-11. Have a craving for white-creme filled donuts. The protein shakes aprés-gym may be fueling my sweet tooth rather than satisfying it. As such, weight has been gained. Summer is supposed to be a time of weight loss for me. Not 2009 Summer.
• That said, I have been noticing positive effects of the gym on my shoulders, and am finally seeing noticeable effects in the arms. I had long seen effects in the upper legs. So, it is nice to feel the effects elsewhere.  And I am going a stronger walking pace on the treadmill. 6.0% incline at 3.5mi/hr is my starting pace now, even on leg days.
• I need to do push-ups. I was afraid to do them, for fear I could not do a one. One day, last week, I did ten, then ten more several minutes later, then another ten after a time. I think I even did ten more after that. I did not get the chest to the ground. I may have just gotten the shoulders to elbow-level. Still, I did them, and felt their effects. I need to do them more often. Found this Lifehacker article saying crunches are bad for the back, and that push-ups are better.
• I think I am at that point in my career where I feel I have contributed about all I can. What traditionally has been my role no longer satisfies me, as I feel it only contributes to keeping people in their jobs, not to growing the company. What is worse is that no one currently working can do enough of what I do in my absence. I feel ‘irreplaceable’, which makes me feel I am at a dead end. I want to grow. I want to learn. I am not doing either now.
• I found this article, ‘Another benefit of a serious conversation about gay marriage‘, that struck such accord [such a chord?] with me, especially when it came to loneliness. Quote – ‘But, as you get older, the ruse (of using sex to cover up our desire for connection) doesn’t work as well as it once did.’. At a time when I am getting more attention as a sex object, for some reason, this gnawing loneliness I feel growing ever stronger and darker, appears to be coloring my outlook in all the wrong ways.
• I am finding the pool of things in my life that are truly ‘fun’ is dwindling. This is a real problem, since having some time to ‘play’ makes life worth living. [And, I mean 'play' in any and all non-sexual ways. Even if those ways lead to sexual arousal, sex is not the goal of the 'play' I mean.] Computers, Internet, blogging, podcasts, music, games, long drives, and other forms of ‘escapism’ no longer seem to invoke the relaxation and enjoyment I need in my life as a balance to the rest of my life. I seriously wonder if I could go to the gym on my own. Since joining, I had gone to the gym off normal training days only a handful of times, even though I enjoy my time with the trainer.
• To be perfectly honest, I have no one with whom I ‘hang-out’ on a regular basis. No one to share a supper, chat over coffee, go shopping, or the gym, play cards, or anything. When at home, I do not go to the bars. The most social time I get is with my co-workers and personal trainer. That makes trips I took in the past year that much more special. That is what makes any ‘relationships’ I have on the social not-working sites seem that much more hollow.  To that extent, I am still a rather shy person. I need a person with whom I can interact in-person, for no other reason than just to interact with him on a regular basis, platonically.

I may or may not have written about these in the past. Several times. Too many. Still, it feels good to get them down. Again. It is my blog.