two nooses

I have been ‘working’ from home now for a few weeks. I thought I would be OK with the arrangement. I would be getting paid. I can do nearly everything I could do in the office. I can do what I need and want to do to fill the time and take care of my needs, namely, finding a new job. I would not be in the office, bored numb, waiting for the next task, or for the call that my tenure was over. [finally.] So far, though, it has not worked as expected. I am as numb at home as I was in the office. While I am able to fill some of the time, I still feel if I am tied to the job as if I were in the office. This makes me feel I have two nooses tied around my neck from the same hangman.

The first of these is that employment, by definition, means some commitment to do duty. This has the effect of restricting what I can, and cannot, do during the day. This has the knock-on effect of demotivating me from doing what I need to do to mind my own needs. The already difficult task of finding a job, especially the job search and ‘professional networking’, is made even more difficult with the prospect I will be needed at my current job, a job that still pays me, a job that still ‘needs me’, at least, for now.

The second of these is that, despite having some responsibility, and having some tasks I need to do, I have no incentive to do them. No matter how well I do them, the result will be the same. My tenure will end. Under no explicit negativity, that is about the most demotivational feeling one can have. My dedication, while not tireless, was still significant enough for me to make it through some rough periods previously, has decided to that a sabbatical. What is worse is that I feel bad about it, and that demotivates me even more, as I feel I am worthless. All at a time when I should be assessing my own worth so I may promote it to new employers.

While I am seeing the end of what was once a proud company, as its assets are being absorbed into another, most of the anxiety, the demotivation, the helplessness, I bear upon myself. There is not room for sentiment in business. Business will do what they feel is right for them to succeed on their terms. In the end, I revert back to type, a shy, modest who may be a ‘guru’ or ‘ninja’ in the eyes of others, but sees what I do only to further of my employer. I know what I did. I am proud of what I did. I never needed to crow about what I did. I most certainly never wanted to. I want to work. I want to work meaningfully. I feel I cannot do that in the current environment. I also know neglecting my work is self-defeating, both for the career and the spirit. That is why it is painful for me to wear two nooses on my neck. I wonder, though, if the nooses were placed by my job, or by me.