assessment

Calendar year 2009 is almost over. It was the best of times. It was the [not quite] the worst of times. It was, for the most part a turning point in my life. I am beginning to realize who I am and what I want. I know things will change in 2010. I can look back and assess what has happened, and how it has improved me.

The iPhone 3G I purchased earlier this was has to be the most influential personal interaction device in my life. I am immensely surprised how attached to that thing I got. That is good, since it replaced my dependance on a network attached computer for my interaction, freeing me to leave it behind. I am no longer as attached to the desk as I was. Yet, I am more attached to the Interwebs and social not-working world now than ever. It is too easy for me to stay connected, and makes it too difficult to get disconnected.

I am becoming disenchanted with the social not-working world. I find the connections made there to be wanting, wanting of the level of interaction that can only come from ‘in real life’ contact. I am not saying the connections are meaningless. What I am saying is that they feel not as satisfying as the live interactions I have had this year. I want to meet more of my online acquaintances in real life. It does not happen.

I have had five vacations this year. Five chances to interact with real people. Five opportunities to experience life outside the confines of the normal family/work/home homogeny. For the most part, all five bore fruit, if on a limited basis. I engaged with people in real life. I am planning on at least four more trips this year. I like the ‘long weekend’ concept, as it allows me to be someplace just long enough to enjoy, but not long enough to get bored. Short of combining multiple stops, this will be my plan for the future.

I have become comfortable with myself to go to places with more permissive dress codes, [read :: clothing options,] and been able to take those options without discomfort. I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body. Or, at least, I am starting to care less about what others think about it. So far, the reactions have not been outwardly negative. As long as they are not, I can partake in the permissive dress code. Having said that, it does make returning to normal dress code rather uncomfortable.

I am also starting to come into my own, sexually. I am starting to find it more comfortable to express my sexual desires, in the appropriate environments. I am getting more positive reactions to that, as well. That makes me feel much better about myself. It also makes me desire being in those environments more.

In late January, I will have been going to the gym, working with a personal trainer, for two years. I like going to the gym. I feel it is making an improvement to my body. The only problem I have is that I desire to go to the gym only during PT training days. This needs to change, as the PT to whom I have been working for about 1.5 years has cut back his hours. I appear to be one of a few regular evening clients. Still, I need to go to the gym more and sit in front of the MacBook less. I also need to start doing workouts on my own, so I can ask what I need to do to improve.

I am resigned to the fact I have my prejudices when it comes to the men I wish to be around. ‘Height and Weight Proportional’, to me, means no less than ‘normal weight’. Too thin is too ugly, even with some muscle. East Asians and Pacific Islanders tend to weird me out. Sorry, I cannot get over that. I am not really attracted to them, and find their aggressiveness a bit of a put-off. Anyone who is forward with me will push me back into my shell. A little too well prepared means a little too self-centered for my tastes. I prefer the leather bars to the chic lounges, since the leather bars tend to be friendlier. Do not get me started on the activist gays, or those that think they are ‘so special’. Puh-leeze! It is not that I do not want to make acquaintance with these people. It is that I just am not that into these people.

I am also resigned to the fact I am not a particularly good friend to start. I find myself to be flighty, flaky and aloof. I probably have missed a boatload of signals from other guys about their intentions. I hate carrying conversations, preferring to listen than talk. I tend to social encounters too loosely. I find it difficult to improve when I have no regular group of acquaintances, which I have not since the Cartwheel closed. That is what makes the acquaintances I do have even the more special.

I feel, at this point in my life, I am not for want. I want fewer possessions. I hate gifts, both giving and receiving. I’d rather buy for myself than suggest someone buy for me. I am happy with what I have. This has implications, and not all of them are positive.

On April 10, I will have worked for the company that is what it is now for 20 years. I never thought I would be here this long. I am wondering if I should have been here this long. I wonder if my time has passed/past.

I am seriously wondering if my time with this blog is done. writing long-form posts is difficult when I have little to add that has not been stated before. I am on enough other forums for my thoughts to get out. Would a Tumblr or Posterous ‘blog’ be enough for me? Hosting this WordPress blog and having the domains to tie to it cost money. If I am updating this thing only once every several months. Is it worth it? Really?