WTFML

I am having WTF and an FML moment. I am experiencing the ‘thrill of victory’ and the ‘agony of defeat’. Often together. Often without a real victory or defeat. Often, I feel defeated, deflated, dejected, or depressed. 

• the diet has gone completely off the rails. I am eating more sweets per week now than I was before the Manchester trip. Found buying candy at the dollar store cheaper than the 7-11. Have a craving for white-creme filled donuts. The protein shakes aprés-gym may be fueling my sweet tooth rather than satisfying it. As such, weight has been gained. Summer is supposed to be a time of weight loss for me. Not 2009 Summer.
• That said, I have been noticing positive effects of the gym on my shoulders, and am finally seeing noticeable effects in the arms. I had long seen effects in the upper legs. So, it is nice to feel the effects elsewhere.  And I am going a stronger walking pace on the treadmill. 6.0% incline at 3.5mi/hr is my starting pace now, even on leg days.
• I need to do push-ups. I was afraid to do them, for fear I could not do a one. One day, last week, I did ten, then ten more several minutes later, then another ten after a time. I think I even did ten more after that. I did not get the chest to the ground. I may have just gotten the shoulders to elbow-level. Still, I did them, and felt their effects. I need to do them more often. Found this Lifehacker article saying crunches are bad for the back, and that push-ups are better.
• I think I am at that point in my career where I feel I have contributed about all I can. What traditionally has been my role no longer satisfies me, as I feel it only contributes to keeping people in their jobs, not to growing the company. What is worse is that no one currently working can do enough of what I do in my absence. I feel ‘irreplaceable’, which makes me feel I am at a dead end. I want to grow. I want to learn. I am not doing either now.
• I found this article, ‘Another benefit of a serious conversation about gay marriage‘, that struck such accord [such a chord?] with me, especially when it came to loneliness. Quote – ‘But, as you get older, the ruse (of using sex to cover up our desire for connection) doesn’t work as well as it once did.’. At a time when I am getting more attention as a sex object, for some reason, this gnawing loneliness I feel growing ever stronger and darker, appears to be coloring my outlook in all the wrong ways.
• I am finding the pool of things in my life that are truly ‘fun’ is dwindling. This is a real problem, since having some time to ‘play’ makes life worth living. [And, I mean 'play' in any and all non-sexual ways. Even if those ways lead to sexual arousal, sex is not the goal of the 'play' I mean.] Computers, Internet, blogging, podcasts, music, games, long drives, and other forms of ‘escapism’ no longer seem to invoke the relaxation and enjoyment I need in my life as a balance to the rest of my life. I seriously wonder if I could go to the gym on my own. Since joining, I had gone to the gym off normal training days only a handful of times, even though I enjoy my time with the trainer.
• To be perfectly honest, I have no one with whom I ‘hang-out’ on a regular basis. No one to share a supper, chat over coffee, go shopping, or the gym, play cards, or anything. When at home, I do not go to the bars. The most social time I get is with my co-workers and personal trainer. That makes trips I took in the past year that much more special. That is what makes any ‘relationships’ I have on the social not-working sites seem that much more hollow.  To that extent, I am still a rather shy person. I need a person with whom I can interact in-person, for no other reason than just to interact with him on a regular basis, platonically.

I may or may not have written about these in the past. Several times. Too many. Still, it feels good to get them down. Again. It is my blog.