the midway

As I approach the 43d anniversary of my birth, as spring turns into summer, as the World appears to move its course [towards self-destruction], I find myself suddenly becoming nostalgic for the cheesy 1980s and 1990s pop music I liked. I start looking back at the way life was for me, and what it was like since the start of 2000.

this past ten years have been some of the best in my life, better, I dare say, than the previous two decades. Yet, as the decade draws to a close, I find myself almost in the same position socially, psychologically, spiritually, that I was when y2k was all the scare. I am in a world that I do not know will exist the way it does now, and I am not sure I am in a position to adapt to the radical change necessary of all Hell break lose. Granted, it was 2001 September 11 , not 2000 January 1, that caused the radical change. Yet, in the end, little has changed with the world, from a first-person perspective, from those events.

I have been to San Francisco, Amsterdam, Fort Lauderdale and Chicago twice, New Orleans three times, Dallas, Atlanta, Manchester, Dublin, London, Prague and Budapest once each. I was even to Las Vegas once. I have had a [mostly] stable job in the career of my choice for the entire decade. I have made acquaintance with many people in that time. I have been going to the gym for about a year and a half. On some levels, I am much better off personally than I was a decade ago.

Yet, I am at the point now where the same doubt I have sought to banish are starting the win their battles. The shyness, having joined forces with aloofness and jadedness, offered resistance while in Manchester at a time when I was having a decent conversation. I am still not finding the handle on conversation, having to be guided into a subject by others. I never likes selling myself, but cannot even describe myself in any positive terms without feeling I am lying, both to others, and to myself. My flake is starting to re-emerge, as my attention span seems to show its stress points from being over-exerted. I cannot see how I can be more than a passing acquantance to anyone. Now, I am fighting boredom, losing interest in those things which kept me entertained. I no longer listen to the music I purchased. I lost interest in podcasts. I struggle to read blog articles longer than half a paragraph.

What does not help is the only interaction I have with the outside world is limited to work, social not-working, the PT at the gym, and the occasional vacation. Gone are the weekends interacting with real human beings. Even though it was a loose clique, it was still something more than I have now. The online thing just is not doing it for me. As such, I have scaled back my social not-working contacts considerably. I am bored and rammy, I feel shackled to a routine and a schedule, and, for the first time that I remember, feel truly lonely. I can say I ‘have no regrets’, but feel a lack of a solid social circle is finally taking its toll. I know whose fault it is. That is what is becoming critically painful. It is ‘opportunity, not recognized, not taken or wasted.’ My commitment to change in myself, though, has always been lacking.

If this is about the midway point in my life, something must give. I fear I may not be the one making that change, and it will be to my detriment.