not a cut above

not a cut above

Originally uploaded by cj69collins

I found this inside a box of CD jewel boxes. I forgot I still had it. There is a tale about the time I purchased this. It was not a happy time. Let me explain.

It was the summer of 1987. Third year at Lehigh University. My grades stank.This was the first time my inability to overcome distraction was in evidence, since I could rarely concentrate on the professors with all the side chatter. I was not happy with my studies. My father, who pushed me somewhat into Lehigh “because you’l make good money,’ was not pleased. I did not want to deal with it anymore. I saw no way out. I bought this with the intention of putting an end to the pain, once and for all. I really saw no future for myself, anyway. So, why continue? I set left home, with the intention of doing the deed. Enter my lack of motivation. While I wanted to do it, I did not want to make the effort. Eventually, I returned home, with my tail between my legs.

Looking back, I did not have it that bad. Granted my lack of vision, my inability to see into the future, certainly did not help in my judgement. In the end, life turned out slightly worse shortly thereafter, but turned out far better in the end. I have a job I did not think I would ever have, and had it for far longer than imagined. I am beyond most of my doubts of the time. I acknowledged and ebraced my sexuality. I have done things I never thought I could do. I have traveled to places about which I could only dream. I also got far more depressed than I did then, yet had not thought about ending it more than confirming I would not “give the rest of the world that victory.” I now see that as a reminder of how far I have come, and an acknowledgement of my shortcomings. I am glad I found it.