lone conclusion

I have come to a conclusion. I am lonely.

I have no friends in real life, no one to hang out with on the weekends, no one to go {shopping|to a {movie|concert|gallery|club|party|coffee| et c.}|visit}, no one to call and chat with. The only social circle I had was in New Hope, and I was a hanger-on. I have not kept-up with the blogger group I met two or three years ago.

Largely, I know, I have myself to blame. My shyness, while having waned in the past years, still holds me back. My self-doubt, a self-image still lacking in confidence in social situations, still tells me I am not that interesting. My lack of social skills means I have a bad time trying to hold a conversation, especially when I’d rather listen than talk. I do not like talking about myself. I tend to be aloof, flighty and flaky around others, often in my own world than the real world. And, I do get bored easily. I need to be stimulated. What is worse is that I believe I seem to get bored much more easily than I do. Did I also mention I tend to be self-deprecating and self-defeating?

Looking back at things in restrospect, I see that I have had many an opportunity to make stronger acquaintances than I have. I ask myself, ‘how do I engage this person? what do I say? how do I respond? how can I connect?’ Fleshing-out who a person is seems easy enough. Actually conversing with them seems to be the challenge. There are some people with whom I can do that easily. But, maintaining that connection seems to be a problem with me. ‘I do not wish to be intrusive,’ I think. ‘I do not wish to force myself on others. I do not wish to seem desperate.’ Did I mention I tend to be self-deprecating and self-defeating? Actually, yes, in the last paragraph.

I will admit to setting-up my environment for the social defeat in which I am now engaged. I have no clue how to correct it. I am 42, but my social skills are not that much better than they were when I was half that. I am scared of the lone conclusion.